When you fell in love with him in 2015, what was it you were hoping for?
Were you hoping for a love everlasting? The kind to sweep you off your feet? A knight in shining armor come to save the damsel in distress from the dragon?
What if he was never a knight, and you were actually the dragon? What if, by forcing him into an armor, you become the dragon he slew?
When you told him you love him, what were you expecting?
Did you expect a fairy tale “Happy ever after” ending? Did you expect he would fall to his knees and confess his love for you too? What if you were only happy after the ending?
When he did tell you he loves you after beating into him the concept of loving you, did you expect him to bend the knee too? Did you imagine wedding bells ringing? Did a cute montage of everything the two of you did and could have done flash in your mind’s eye? Did you see it like the movies, with the rain falling for the two of you as you kissed? Did you not expect that the first kiss you will share was when you were both drunk on the last night of your teenage years? Did you not taste the smoke on his lips that foretold how your story would be ending?
When you found out the truth of who he is, what were you imagining? A boy broken from loving a girl who cheated on him, waiting to be fixed? Did you not expect that the cheated will become the cheater and that you would be cheated time and time again? Or did you see the ghost of a man he could one day be?
When he told you to be just friends, did you listen? When he said he was poison and that he didn’t believe in love anymore, did you believe him?
You wanted so much for things to end up the way you imagined, you closed your eyes to the truth he was telling you from the beginning.
That he was not capable of loving you. You picked the poison and happily drank from the cup of your downfall, hoping that taking the risk would make you fly.
When he liked someone else, weren’t you looking? Didn’t you get a glimpse of how willing he could be to love someone that wasn’t you? He knows how you feel for him and he called you his friend and told you all about how perfect night their night had been.
When you were forced to bear witness to how he put his arms on her shoulder while he sat in front of you and all his friends, where were you looking?
In his eyes, wondering if you would catch the truth that he would rather it was you? What were you hoping for?
When you walked away, and he came calling after you, saying he will leave the girl because he chose you as a friend, did you expect something more?
When you started going out on dates often, did it melt your heart? Did you let the Trojan horse through your walls? Did you learn nothing from the history books? Did you not see how this will end in your death, betrayal and destruction when the night is dead?
When he told you that you are more than just a friend, did you look in his eyes, trying to catch the lie while praying it was the truth?
When he started writing you songs, did you believe the lie?
Or were you hoping that if you kept at it long enough, it would someday be true?
When he started playing fire with other girls, wasn’t it you he burned? Didn’t the fire show you what your future holds? Did you love the warmth of him so much you failed to notice?
And when he promised to stop the game because he got bored, did you actually believe he did it for your sake?
And when nothing you say can make him commit to you and the love he swears, did you make excuses for him? Did you “understand” where he is coming from?
When he stopped listening or taking interest in anything you say, did you tell yourself he was just probably too hyped to tell his story? Did you not feel lonely, unloved, unappreciated and uncared for?
And when you asked what love did to him, did you like the answer? That he will choose to sing of his terrible past than sing of you? When she who gave him a terrible experience in love seemed more relevant to him than the stable love you provided, did you grieve? Did it hurt more than you expected? Did you weep?
When you told him how it hurt you and all he said was he had nothing to say in his defense, did it break your heart? Were you mad at him for not seeming to care about how you feel? Did he hear your heart shatter?
When you said goodbye to him last night and he didn’t say a thing, did it make you feel stupid? Did you hope he would be a “typical boyfriend” and kick and scream to fight for you? Did you hope for sweet words and pleas for you to stay?
Did you think he would stay up with you all night to convince you to stay?
And when he didn’t, and you woke up this morning tasting the ashes of the wreckage in your mouth, did you give up on him?
Of all these unanswered questions, this last one is the only one you can answer surely.
“Of course not. You probably never will.”