“Convenience store” person

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Went out today with my “best friend” to have lunch and grab coffee and he bought me a sunflower that I have been bugging him for months now to buy for me. Today he fulfilled that promise but only after I told him there are sunflowers available in the supermarket today.

We’ve been “dating” for two years now with no official labels and it is as confusing as hell. I can’t help thinkin he’s ashamed of me that is why he wouldn’t tell his family nor his friends that he likes me.

I feel like a convenience store. It isn’t something you’ll be proud of saying you went there, but it is convenient for waiting and other things. You wouldn’t shout it out to the whole world, you wouldn’t post it in instagram, but you often go there when you are bored and have nothing better to do.

Lately I told him I don’t want to be his almost lover anymore and that we should just stay friends because I do not like the set up he thrives in. Under the pressure of losing his toy, he told his “friends” a.k.a. Band mates that we are “officially dating for some months now” but that was the extent he is willing to go public with me.

Before we parted ways a while ago, he asked me if I will be posting the photos I took on instagram and I asked him why. He asked me if it is okay not to post it because if his mom sees, she will start “bugging him again if we have a thing”. I said okay. Because what was I supposed to say? That it is not okay for me to be kept a secret? That I feel like him being “in a relationship with me” is bugging him? So I said yeah sure okay.

But it is not okay. At the end of the day nothing changed.

He successfully manipulated me into thinking that he will go public with me. But he had no plans to do so whatsoever.

And honestly, I don’t want to be a convenience store person anymore. I believe someone out there is willing to shout out to the world that they are in love with me. Who won’t be bugged but excited when his parents asks about me. Who will talk to his friends about me. Someone who is not ashamed to love me.

Apparently he isn’t that guy. I can’t help but think I am wasting time.

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Love, dearest Sherlock, really is a dangerous disadvantage.

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The road so far…

*Cue in a bad-ass background music*

Tomorrow is the last day of summer class. I have been busy the past two weeks, running on red bulls and coffee, and three hours of sleep per day. I had a quiz this Monday, a title defense for my research this Tuesday, a seminar this Wednesday, and a mock interview today. Add the fact that I had two global interpretations and a psychological report to write, due today.

But hey I’m okay!

I got the highest score, I defended my title like a warrior I am not, we successfully finished the seminar yesterday, I think my mock interview went well, my professor even told me I looked great in my corporate attire, and I am just passing the time since I just finished my papers five minutes ago.

Summer season is almost over too. Outside, it is raining. Or is it a storm already? Good thing I borrowed an umbrella, but I might have to buy one for the way home later.

I also went through stressful times. I had this groupmate for the seminar who suddenly snapped when I relayed the details of the meetings to her. She said she felt belittled that no one bothered to call her when there was a group meeting for the seminar. I told her, I do not have her number.

I also got sick for three days. But I managed to go to school despite all that.

I am currently running on fumes but the end of the road is at sight. I can rest tomorrow night.

But for now, I gotta run.

There was a power outage due to the heavy rain while I was writing this. When the electricity came back, I hurriedly printed the papers I needed to pass. It was flooding, and I am on a mountainside. My shoes are wet but I had more important things to think about.

After I passed my papers I went to the library where my friends are studying for their exam in Botany. Aya was having a meltdown due to the seminar paperworks. I wonder if she’s calmed down now?

My friend, Denisse, and I went to a mall to buy an umbrella and eyebrow pencil. Then I went to her place to finish the summary of our seminar’s evaluation.

When I got home, a really strong earthquake passed and I want to say I was scared but I am not.

I wonder if I’m okay.

When you try your best but you don’t succeed…

Today, our midterm grades were released in Research Methodology and I/O Psychology subjects. The passing [transmuted] grade for major subjects such as those mentioned is 76. I got a 74.

And I could make excuses for myself such as summer classes use a different grading system than classes taken in the regular semesters, or I was high on antibiotics and suffering from acute pharyngitis during the major exams so I naturally got lower scores, or its okay there is still the finals, but that does not change the fact that I failed in a standardized-slash-objective evaluation of academic performance.

Does that make me a dunce? Probably not. Does it make me feel like crap? Definitely.

The fact that doing well regularly on a daily classroom discussion, actively participating when I am so afraid of speaking, and doing everything in my power to get decently high scores in quizzes are not enough to earn me a passing grade is simply devastating.

I always hear people talking about how the educational system in the Philippines doesn’t cater to the different, the creatives, and the “I need some time to process these information” type, but I never felt it in its full impact the way I did today.

I’ve always been good at being standardized. People often say I am intelligent when in fact, all I did was memorize a bunch of stuff that I will probably forget about in a month. So when I am in a situation where memorization is out of the question (disoriented from a sickness and the drugs prescribed for the cure), I obviously fail at it. And I hated it.

I hated the feeling I got while reading the questions in the test, knowing I read it somewhere in my notes, or remembered my professor mention something about it in class, but I can’t remember the term so I couldn’t give a proper answer. I hated knowing that if I wasn’t sick at that time I would have probably shined and even got an 86 or something.

Sadly, the grading system does not consider “Effort” as an objective criteria. There are no grades, no incentives or recognition for trying hard.

I realized that the educational system of the Philippines is designed for shaping and honing manufacturers. Blend in, do what society dictates is right and pleasing, do a good job and you will be considered a success. Here, there is no room for innovation and ingenuity. That is why most Filipino inventors sell their inventions to foreigners and those foreigners get the patent for it.

Here no one praises you for trying. Your value is dictated by the worth of the goods you produce. Your efforts do not matter, what’s important is the quality of your output. If you are slow in getting things done, you are already a failure and a nuissance.

Average is success in this country. If you go above the norm you are seen as a threat and people will try to pull you down. If you go below the norm, you will be de-valued and ridiculed for your incompetency.

Psychology should be about acknowledging the uniqueness of every human being, but psychologists are measured and trained to measure with a one-size-fits-all instrument.

The irony of things. We aim to measure the differences between our clients but we are gauged based on the distance of our deviation from the norm. We strive for culture-fair tests and fail miserably at considering that maybe, just maybe, standardization is not the key.

Constructivists argue that reality is subjective to each individual. What might be true for you might not be true for me.

Dearest standardized education, you might think that only those who get a certain score are qualified to pass. But we are all students learning at different paces and styles. Please do not normalize the curve. Surely there is a better way of evaluating a person’s achievement than stardized tests.

Then again, maybe I am just bitter about my grades.

Of early mornings and midnights [and trying to be productive in between]

I enrolled in advanced summer classes last month to catch up on units since I am way past my supposed graduation date.

So, I am taking up three major subjects that I am required to finish in 6-7 weeks and the requirements for finals are a bit overwhelming: a thesis title proposal and defense, a seminar organized by us, and administering psychological tests and writing a psychological report on the client.

But all that seems small to the overwhelming fact that for five days a week, for the next six or seven weeks, I will have to wake up REALLY EARLY. Like 5 o’clock in the morning early. I am not a morning person–at least not anymore since I started binge-watching series and anime on a daily basis.

Every Monday I will wake up fairly well rested, but come Wednesday, I am cursing the world. Thursdays, I am just running on fumes, and Fridays are “I am literally just zoning out” days.

I have read a lot of blogs and articles online about “how to adjust your sleep cycle to be a healthy and not grouchy morning person” or “the secrets of a good sleep hygiene” or anything along those lines. I have followed tips and advice from several friends. My sleeping habits were so bad, the school doctor actually prescribed some sleeping pills for me.

None of them worked. It is hard when your responsibilities are demanding so early in the morning and your passions are so enticing so late at night. If you are a student with an 8 A.M. class and a band manager with a 9 P.M. gig, and a young adult living alone with laundry to do and dishes to wash, how do you maximize your productivity?

Most people will tell me, just let go of the band scene. It is taking too much precious time from your responsibilities and rest. Others will tell me, “If you are making enough money on the band scene, why not quit school?” These two groups of people, while meaning well and good, simply do not understand.

I need to study hard and graduate and to do that I need to be a good student who goes to class no matter how early or late it is. And besides, I finally found a course that I actually enjoy and love that I don’t mind the pressures it bring, nor the paperworks and mountain load of assignments.

But I also need to be in touch with my artistic side. I can not let go of the music scene, or the spoken word poetry scene whenever I can. It is a part of who I am.

And doing the laundry, cleaning the house, washing the dishes, etc. etc., they are necessary for my health and well-being.

So how do I juggle all this?

Simple. I don’t have gigs everyday, so on nights I am free, I can insert some leisure and study time as well as cleaning time. I can sleep earlier on those days. The weekends are spent for doing the laundry, going out with friends, doing some more studying or cleaning, and definitely some well-deserved rest.

I have survived three weeks of trying to discipline myself into being a morning person now. And while it is hard, especially the past few days since I am sick (Acute Pharyngitis or something like that), and there is literally a major exam tomorrow I haven’t studied for yet (again, resting–you know, sick person), I think I am doing a pretty decent job of keeping my life-work-craft balance in check.

Although every now and then I fall off the wagon by sleeping way too late like 3 A.M. watching Detective Conan. 😂

This is why I am a Sleepless PsychiARTIST.

Why start [yet another] blog?

I’m just some 20-something, BS Psychology student currently studying for a midterm exam in two days. Currently sick in bed and trying to get by reviewing-slash-rewriting notes.

Why suddenly sign-up for a wordpress blog?

Well first, I’ve been meaning to do so for quite a while now. I just have no clue what to make my blog about. Others dedicate a blog for specific purposes: food, travel, business, music, etc. which I never got the hang of. You know, sticking to one theme and writing about it.

My mind is always an organized mess–a corner dedicated for a certain topic, but always randomly arranged.

Second, I have always dreamt of being a writer. And I can’t be a writer without writing, right?

Third, I need an electronic space to gather my scattered thoughts and try to make sense of it all. I am sick of playing tug-of-war with my nonexistent organizing skills trying to keep track of all my notebooks, journals, diaries, so I am dumping it all in one site, and just tagging them according to their topic (hopefully I remember to tag this time).

Finally, I need breathing space. Since we live in a world where asking your friends a question will get you a “Google it” reply, because humans are too lazy to listen and Siri is the only one you can talk to and will try to make sense of what you are saying when she doesn’t understand, I often find myself disappointed and unheard.

Having a small voice in a noisy world is exhausting when all you want is to be heard.

And since my wrists will probably give up on me if I pen-and-paper journalled, I settled for typing.

This blog is my breathing space, and hopefully, someday, someone out there will listen.