I haven’t written in a while, and here is why…

I got busy with thesis. My boyfriend and I broke up in October. I got hired in a call center in November. I got more busy with thesis, 30 units of the second semester, and 9-hr shifts in the office. I found out I was cheated on  for the last six months of our relationship in December. We had an internal transfer in the office. I got busy with training and then nesting. I got sick a lot. I was stupid.

When my boyfriend amd I broke up, the crushing feeling in my soul kept me up for nights. So when the opportunity to apply to a call center arrived, I figured “Meh, why not earn money while I am nursing my broken heart. Either way I won’t be sleeping well at night.”

The first month of balancing my studies and work was easy. But when our wave found out that we are part of the percentage that is gonna be removed from the program when the client decided they don’t need as many agents, life started to become hard.

I was faced with yet another unstable aspect of my life: Will I still have a job tomorrow? It didn’t help that the available accounts for lateral transfer or redeployment were all in conflict with my studies. I was bummed. I lost the passion of working. I started to get sick a lot.

The good news is: I found a new account that would cater to my schedule at school. Bad news: it is not a fixed rest day. I had to face seven days a week of no rest. I am either going to school or going to work. Plus the thesis doesn’t help. Nor the special exams I had to take because on my week of prelim exams, we had a morning shift at training.

Ha. That fateful exam week. The week I found out I was betrayed by the man I loved unconditionally.

That fucked me up. Plus the fact that all of my 20 years’ worth of romantic insecurities came back to life and hit me like a fucking truck. And the knowledge that this “new girl” has actually been around for six months prior to pur break up. And that after I quit managing the band, she kind of took my place and she’s better at it than I was.

Lately I have been in a consistent downward spiral. I cut my hair short before the new year. Very cliche I know. But that didn’t help me reorient my life. All the superficial details I could use to trick myself this is a new chapter, I am moving on, didn’t work.

Now it is 5AM and I am on my nth stick of camels and I am just trying to fight off killing myself for five more hours. Just in time to get some help.

Don’t get me wrong, I am a psychology student. And I am all for advocating getting help and raising mental health awareness. But it is a struggle to fight with yourself when you know you just want it all to end. But I will fight.

Lately it just feels like I am spread too thin and everyone just demands something from me without even noticing that I am hanging by a thread to my sanity and frankly, my life. My thesis groupmates need more of my time, my ex needs my understanding that he is fucked up, his mom needs my money, my work needs my metrics, my school needs my presence, my body needs sleep. And I am at that point where I have nothing left to give.

And if I failed to give them what they ask, I either failed them, disappointed them, betrayed them, led them on, neglected them, etc.

I once went to a group meeting for thesis and had to sleep while they work because Inhave had zero hours of sleep for three days. I make sure that everytime I wake up I contribute something relevant to the paper, but they still made me feel like I am a criminal or something.

I got angry at my ex because he told me he loves me and he’s just playing with the new girl whom he cheated on me with, but when I told him I wanted to go to his gig and watch him play, he said I can’t because the girl would be there. And I told him he is replacing me and is putting that girl first and he had to accuse me of betraying him. For leaving him. That I don’t love him and that I don’t understand.

I have given my best at work but apparently the numbers don’t show it because my AHT is high, my retention scores didn’t pass the minimum passing, etc. I want to resign and frankly, I have this weird feeling that I am gonna be a failure in life. That I am only good inside the classroom but will suck at real life. And I just want to quit and die. But I need the money. To give to someone else.

I haven’t seen my friends and family in so long. I have no one to talk to who would listen without being sarcastic or condescending or without treating me like it is my fault for deciding to do all this in the first place. I wish I never existed.

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