But there is such beauty in the world, they say.
I don’t know, man, everything is meaningless.
I hear your sentiments. I hear your pleas. I hear your explanations.
Try harder for yourself.
Get out of the house.
Go to school.
There are people who care.
I know some meant those words. But the meaning don’t reach me. I want them to reach me. I wish I could get out of the darkness that is drowning me. Darkness so thick no light can pass through it. I wish the thoughts and sentiments can reach me.
But everything is meaningless.
Inside this womb of loneliness, I am aware that I do not have monopoly in pain and suffering, but I couldn’t put it past me to consider that. I know others are suffering more out there and finding reasons to push through, but in my darkness, I am a puppet whose strings have all broken. My spirit is broken and I no longer want to be part of this world.
There are people who love you. People who care. People who’ll be miserable facing a world without you.
I know. The same people who will be able to move on with their lives and maybe not forget about me, but find new meaningful relationships with others. They’ll be able to get over the grief. Their worlds will go on turning. With or without me.
But ny world has stopped spinning on its axis in this shell of emptiness. I am so spent that days and nights pass by equally with no purpose nor sense. Everyday is just another day of trying to keep existing because people said it will be worth it. But I have stopped living. Mainly because I no longer want to be alive.
All I see around me are empty promises and lies, brokenness and fear, inequality and shame, failure, failure, all of my failures have caught up to me, haunting me. I am a waste of space and resources. I have only brought burden and disappointment. I am never enough and never gonna make it. If I am already broken this early, how am I to survive in the next few years? In a world full of competition and heartless people and cruelty, how can a broken spirit live?
They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger but I am already dead inside.
I don’t wanna fight anymore. And I don’t want to burden others with fighting for me.
Am I brave enough to say goodbye?